The Life of Karkodian: A Timeline

“Karkodian is you, Karkodian is me
Karkodian is the man we all are, but pretend not to be”

(quote by Nelson Mandela’s bastard white child, Milky Mandela, 1991)

August 27th 1950 -A lady notices a slight irritation between her legs and sees a puny, scarlet, icky figure lying upside down. She, her husband, and strangely, their plumber, decide to wash the scarlet, icky figure and raise it together. After raising it together a few feet above the ground it slips and falls onto the ground with only a little head injury (mainly because it had only a little head). The scarlet, icky thing is named Karkodian.

January 11th 1952-Karkodian (or K) shows early signs of baldness on his tiny injury-sustained head.

April 23rd 1953-K falls into the toilet while attempting to get potty trained.

October 12th 1957-K stops breastfeeding and changes to bottled milk.

January 28th 1958-K goes back to breastfeeding when he finds bottled milk requires constant manual replenishment.

February 10th 1958-K’s mother dies. Doctors diagnose it as a result of total lack of lactose and calcium in her body. K decides to write a poem as a tribute to his mother.

March 5th 1959-K finishes the poem. It goes: “Mama, you’re dead.”

June 19th 1959-K falls into the toilet again while going potty.

December 25th 1959-K celebrates Halloween for the first and last time by dressing up as an overweight Jesus Christ.

May 18th 1961-K’s father and the plumber officially get married. K is the best man and mysteriously finds himself next morning in bed with the minister who did the wedding.

May 19th 1961-K doesn’t return the minister’s calls.

July 27th 1963-K learns to read and write thereby causing a factual error in this piece where it was said earlier that he wrote an elegy for his dead mother when he was 9.

September 13th 1964-K is chucked out of primary school when he misspells the word “Hello” as “P-A-R-A-P-S-Y-C-H-O-L-O-G-I-S-T”.

January 8th 1965-K looks to break into the business of peddling drugs on the street. He’s fired within 10 minutes after he started yelling, “Drugs! Get your hot hallucinatory drugs and cocaine here!”

June 14th 1966-K has his first crush. It’s apple flavored.

July 12th 1966-K joins the “Sodomy Survivors Support Group” and finds out that the head counselor is the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned. K gets the hell out of there.

February 6th 1967-K finishes reading his first ever English book. He can’t stop talking about what a great novel “Mary had a little lamb” is.

April 7th 1968-K joins the army but he quits when he finds out that the drill Sergeant is the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned.

November 14th 1969-K participates actively in the protest and rallies of the Second Wave Feminists against the demeaning attitude of men towards women.

November 15th 1969-K is beaten and thrown out from the group after he looks up the skirt of the President of the Protest group.

March 22nd 1970-K learns how to pee standing up.

August 16th 1970-K lands a job as one of the actors in a pantomime.

August 18th 1970-K is fired from the job for being too taciturn.

October 11th 1970-K watches his first porno flick. He can’t stop talking about how hot “The Powerpuff Girls” are.

February 10th 1971-K writes a second poem in tribute to his mother’s memory. It goes : “Mama, you’re still dead.”

July 14th 1971-K’s father and the plumber die in an unfortunate plumbing accident when his father’s pipe got stuck in the plumber’s basement. K is heartbroken.

July 15th 1971-K gets over the heartbreak after he watches another round of “The Powerpuff Girls”.

August 30th 1973-K gets a job as a ranger in a petting zoo.

September 1st 1973-K quits when he finds out the place wasn’t exactly what he thought the name suggested.

December 17th 1973-K’s excited about shopping for Christmas gifts but drops the idea when he realizes he has no friends or family or money.

March 25th 1974-K moves to Cali hoping to land a spot in some movie and make it big in Hollywood.

April 19th 1974-A director promises K a chance to act alongside Woody Allen.

April 20th 1974-K runs from the sets of the movie screaming when he finds out that Woody Allen is actually the screen name of a gay porn actor and the movie a porno entitled “The Powerbuff Boys”.

February 16th 1975-K loses his virginity.

February 18th 1975-K finds it under his couch.

January 9th 1976-K takes a staunch decision to become a spiritualist. He takes a vow to strive for complete celibacy and holiness.

January 30th 1976-K sacks the whole spiritualist thing when he finds out the word “celibacy” does not have anything to do with “celebrity”.

February 10th 1977-K accidentally knocks down a blind girl, pretends it’s somebody else who knocked her down, helps her to her feet and manages to get his first ever date.

February 11th 1977-K has a not so impressive first date when he takes the blind girl to an art museum.

February 12th 1977-K gets the blind girl a looking glass as a gift to make up for the terrible first date.

February 14th 1977-K gets dumped by the blind girl who’s freaked out after he gifts her a card written in Braille saying “Share a special VD with me.”

July 16th 1980-K wakes up questioning his sexuality and sexual preferences after he finds Clint Eastwood steaming hot.

August 4th 1980-K is still worried about it.

September 11th 1980-Ditto.

October 21st 1980-K stops worrying about it when he understands that every breathing thing in California finds Clint Eastwood steaming hot.

June 13th 1981-K manages to get a job as a cabdriver.

June 14th 1981-K relinquishes the job after he remembers he doesn’t know how to drive.

November 28th 1982-K attains semi-baldness.

September 23rd 1983-K becomes so desperate for money he decides to mug somebody. K has a humiliating experience when the two people whom he mugs turn out to be nothing more than a pair of mannequins.

March 5th 1984-K thinks he’s Hispanic.

March 8th 1984-K realizes he’s neither exotic looking nor can he speak Hispanic.

July 28th 1984-K thinks he’s black.

August 2nd 1984-K realizes he can neither pull off an anorak nor does he have a big dick.

October 17th 1986-K decides to take a sabbatical from his unemployed, misery-stricken life and joins a monastery.

November 19th 1986-K attains completion of the process of balding.

January 1st 1987-K comes out of the monastery a reformed man with newly defined goals and ambitions. He decides his sole ambition in life is to one day be able to pronounce the word ‘tsk’.

April 4th 1987-K believes that he has attained the power to levitate.

June 19th 1987-K becomes conscious of the real meaning of levitation and how it involves raising material objects using mental powers and not lifting stuff using only one hand.

July 27th 1987-K tries to pronounce ‘tsk’ but cannot go beyond ‘t’.

September 5th 1987-K tries to pronounce ‘tsk’ and ends up mispronouncing it as ‘parapsychologist’.

January 1st 1988-K abandons the spiritual way of living after realizing that being a monk is not so different from being a monkey except monkeys get to eat a lot more bananas and do a lot more humping.

May 7th 1989-K has a yearning to become a father.

August 12th 1989-K runs out of adoption agencies to beg for a chance for him to be a father after the last one in the city rejects him for being a total loser.

October 14th 1989-K decides to stop being a total loser and goes around the streets asking women if they want to get impregnated by him.

March 29th 1990-K finally gets somebody who acquiesces to his request of helping him father a child.

March 30th 1990-K runs out of the motel screaming when, on the night of the impending impregnation, he realizes that the willing candidate is the selfsame minister who had married his father and the plumber and whose calls he hadn’t returned. K discards desires of fatherhood.

February 1st 1991-K decides to cease his life of anonymity and force his way into the world of the famous. K makes up his mind to enter the Guinness Book of World Records.

May 3rd 1991-K tries to produce the world’s longest fart but falls a good thirty minutes behind the record.

September 17th 1991-K tries to generate the world’s loudest fart but falls short of the record by a dozen decibels.

April 30th 1992-K competes for the title of the world’s baldest man but is disqualified when the judges adjudicate the single hair behind K’s ear as a head-hair.

January 31st 1993-K builds the world’s largest toilet. K is informed by the Guinness Book authorities that the adjudication will be done in less than three weeks.

February 9th 1993-K dies a tragic death when he falls into the toilet while going potty.

February 19th 1993-K’s body is found floating on the toilet water alongside blackened pieces of K’s own turd when the Guinness Book people pay a visit to his apartment.

February 23rd 1993 (Morning)-K is given a decent funeral by the Guinness Book authorities. K’s toilet, though found to be the biggest in the world, fails to make it into the Guinness Book as the judges have no proof that it was in fact made by K.

February 23rd 1993 (Afternoon)-K’s ghost comes from the other side of the world to haunt the guests at the funeral party but flees with all its ghostly might when he finds out that the funeral is being conducted by the minister whose calls he hadn’t returned.