Extreme Kamasutra

                Love is like Jesus. You look into your beloved’s eyes and see all your personal dreams reveal their insignificance when compared to what you would do to keep her happy. You are willing to stomp, for her, on every principle and ideology that you once swore you would never relinquish. Her cherubic smile stirs inside of you something real, something magical, something about 8 inches long. Then you take her to the nearest room and fuck the living daylights out of her. And that’s why love is like Jesus. And a good fuck is like the Jewish/Roman partnership. It beats the crap out of love.
              Afterwards, your beloved opens up her heart about the depth of love she feels for you while you scratch your shriveled up balls in the middle of a sleep much deeper than her love. She looks at your face lovingly, picks up her bra from the ground, and proceeds to strangle you to a very humiliating size 32B death. Such a degrading strangulation by a 100 % cotton elastic innerwear would never happen to a man who is well versed in the sensual chapters of Extreme Kamasutra. She would have been too exhausted to even close her legs, let alone arm herself with a bra and murder you, if you had proficiency in the vast erotic knowledge contained in Extreme Kamasutra.
                The sexually illiterate might always resort to the mundane, dull, unadventurous, everyday list of moves like “the G-spot jiggy” or “the Boston Brute” or “the Dirty Sanchez” or “the Fire Hydrant”. Those wishing to learn might instinctively go to the nearest children’s library and pick up a copy of the original Kamasutra. However, in the 21st century, the Kamasutra is as outdated as fidelity. In today’s age, there’s only one manual that can guarantee complete satiation and bliss and that is Extreme Kamasutra.
                Given below are the some of the most successful and pleasurable moves and positions detailed in Extreme Kamasutra that would guarantee complete exhaustion of, and total satisfaction for, your partner by the time you’re done. In fact, at the end of your love session she would be groggier than a room full of people watching the Indian Cricket League matches. Now, let us start the education. The enlightenment. The Extreme Kamasutra.

The Empire State Lovers’ Union

               In this lovemaking position the man and the woman stand in front of the Empire State building and start snogging until mutual arousal is achieved. With the help of the security guard present there both the man and the woman manage to strip down to their bare minimum. The lovers proceed to rub against each other further. Now with assistance of the hotdog vendor both the male and the female get completely naked. It is important that the hotdog vendor gets absolutely no mustard on either of the lovers. The woman then stands on her two hands and splits her legs exposing her open minge. At this point, the man has to sprint towards the elevator and get to the roof of the Empire State Building before he loses his wood. After reaching the roof the male lover approaches the edge of the roof and begins masturbating like a rabid monkey. When the man successfully deposits his semen without spilling a single drop from a height of above 102 stories into the vagina of the woman standing on her hand, the sexual congress is pronounced complete.

The Criss Angel Banana Split

              In this particular mode of sexual congress the man and the woman place themselves horizontally on a bed made of banana skins. They then proceed to consume two bananas each. Ensure that neither the man nor the woman have banana between their teeth making it seem as if they just brushed their teeth with baby shit. The man now mounts the woman and begins to kiss her gently all over her face. After slobbering her face with more spit than a hoard of hungry retards, the man turns the woman on her back. The male lover then mounts the female from behind. At this point, the man reaches out for the battery operated chainsaw resting near the banana bed and saws his lover into half. Immediately, the man starts humping the dissected lower body while simultaneously trying to put back the severed torso. The sexual union is only complete when the man is successfully able to put the woman back together. If he fails to achieve sexual climax with his first female partner he can proceed to engage in the same act of love with other female members of the severed woman’s family.

The Al Gore Sexual Congress

               The male and female partner must travel to the North Pole by foot. On reaching the North Pole they strip naked and cry out “Goooore!” four times which will attract horny polar bears. Once the polar bears make themselves appear both the male and female lovers are supposed to take turns jerking and fingering the bears according to the respective genitalia. Neither the male nor the female or the polar bear for that matter are supposed to eat any kinds of food except their own feces that will again be reused the next day as meals. After jerking and fingering the polar bears the man and the woman approach each other and stand a few inches apart. The male then rubs the Nobel Peace Prize medal on his penis until he ejaculates whereas the female shoves the Nobel Peace Prize diploma up her pussy and fakes an orgasm. Both the male and the female partners are to stay away from showers, baths, or water for the rest of their lives. If the male desires to use a condom while jacking off use only recycled condoms.

The Catholic Priest Position

               The male partner holds the female partner gently and embraces. He then clubs the woman into a state of unconsciousness using a Bible. Following that, he approaches the younger male relatives of the woman and engages in sodomy.

The Hillary Clinton Sex Position

The female partner lies on the left side of the bed and goes to sleep.

to be continued…