WHEN A MAN LOVES A DOG

              I’m as xenophobic and jingoistic about India as the next guy brandishing a sword to kill his fellow Indian just because he kneels down a different way. My fury is as perfervid as any other Indian’s when I hear foreign dickheads make untrue statements about Indians like the rumor that we bury our heads in a pile of holy cow dung to attain nirvana. My blood boils as fast as my fellow countrymen’s when westerners mock our time-tested customs and beliefs. And as I’m swelling with pride over my country’s superiority some guy in Tamil Nadu goes and gets married to a dog wearing a sari. That’s when I feel like burying my head in a big pile of holy cow dung.
               The wedding ceremony was bitchin’ to say the least. Attendees said that the groom, Mr. Selvakumar, a virgin with canines and real women, looked anxious and excited on the big day. Some claim that they saw him foaming at the mouth with anticipation. The bride, Lassie Kumari, adorned with all kinds of flowers, appeared small, beautiful, and highly uncomfortable in a silky orange sari. Her fur was fashionably trimmed and the infection in her ears was neatly bandaged which complimented her trendy sari. In other words, she brought a whole new meaning to the phrase doggie style.

                 

The groom’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Kumar, beamed with pride as their 33 yr old little boy was bringing home a partner who would finally instil some discipline into his adventurous bachelor life, which involved philandering with several stray cats and a couple of immoral beavers. They were extremely relieved to see that their son had finally decided to settle down with a nice, traditional, middle-class dog. Mr. and Mrs. Kumar had only one piece of valuable marital advice to impart to their son, “Son, always remember to clean up after her. That’s the foundation of every successful marriage.”
              The bride’s parents, too, were present at the ceremony. The bride’s mother looked graceful and elegant with all her seven nipples exposed. The bride’s fathers, which included seven dogs, three mongooses, and one BJP worker, attended the ceremony as well and spent their time smelling each other’s assholes. Friends and family members from the groom’s side presented the couple with leashes, collars, dog biscuits, and pooper-scoopers. Those from the bride’s side gifted half-chewed bones, kitten carcasses, fleas, and a fresh batch of rabies. 
                One of the most romantic moments of the wedding came when the priest asked the bride if she took the groom in his sickness, which would most likely be hydrophobia, and in health. The young, shy bride looked up coquettishly at her man and barked, “Woof! Woof!” Following that the priest announced, “You may now pee on the groom.” At which point, the bride lifted her sari, then her leg, and proceeded to urinate all over her new husband. Men present at this momentous occasion of an inter-species marriage shrugged and remarked that they didn’t find anything unusual about a human being marrying a dog. For them, it was just another guy getting married to a bitch.
              The feast that followed was sumptuous and filling. The humans present contented themselves with several servings of hotdogs while the dogs, and the BJP worker, attending the ceremony filled themselves with the leftovers. After the wedding, the newly fed newly weds mounted a rickshaw, adorned with a placard that said “With blessings from Maneka Gandhi.” The couple spent their two-week honeymoon in a warm, sunny, exotic dog pound in Chennai. Interestingly, it was reported that their favorite sex position was the missionary position and not, as expected, the doggie position. Mr. Selvakumar, apparently, confided to his male buddies that there was nothing like getting a blowjob from a real bitch. Those close to Mrs. Lassie Kumari revealed that she was currently focused on completely enjoying her married life and not even thinking of starting a family anytime soon.
                Let’s hope that at least this marriage doesn’t end in a divorce. Because there’s nothing more vicious than a lawyer representing a dog in a divorce case.