THE BRIDGE OF RAM-ifications

              We Hindus have taken a lot of shit from all the non-Hindus residing in our country. They have taken our jobs, our land, our women, our wealth, and even a few rolls of our toilet paper. We made an attempt to stick to the honorable technique of preaching non-violence and then murdering them- they responded with the same. We demolished their churches and mosques and covered it up saying that Parvati Melton’s boobs crashed into them- they didn’t buy that. We sent anthrax-infected deer as part of a bio-warfare scheme to kill the Indian Muslims- but Salman Khan shot all of them dead. Finally, we genetically engineered a battalion of stand-alone monster cocks, in our laboratory in Los Angeles, to attack the Indian Christians but they were intercepted by a hungry Britney Spears after her MTV VMA performance. And just when we were about to announce a truce, the anti-Hindu Government goes ahead and does something so insulting and offensive as suggesting that the Lord Rama didn’t even exist; they want to demolish the Rama Setu, the bridge that Lord Rama built thousands of years ago so that they can build a shitty canal for the economic growth of India. Now, it’s war.

               Thankfully, the official spokes-group for Hindus, the BJP, has taken matters into their own hands. That is after all what Lord Krishna said to Arjun in the Bhagwad Gita: “Ahead of you lies a pool of shit, trust the BJP to push you into it.” Apparently, Lord Krishna rhymed. Urged by the BJP, Hindus from all across India march through the streets protesting against this overt lack of respect for Hindu beliefs by the Congress Government. Interestingly, they are met halfway by a vociferous group of Muslims.

Hindus: This is Hindustan. ‘Hindu’-stan. Figure it out. If you think that you can hurt our religious sentiments and still keep all your internal organs in tact, you better get a new doctor.
Muslims: When are your religious sentiments ever unhurt? Let a lady enter a temple, you go berserk. Give birth to a female child, you flip out. Draw nude paintings, and your whole world is on fire. You people should learn to not be so touchy.
Hindus: Ha, look who’s talking! Strike out all the days in a calendar when you Muslims haven’t issued a fatwa against some loser or the other, and you couldn’t even make a week.
Muslims: That’s different. Those shitheads insulted our holy Prophet. That’s blasphemy of a different kind.
Hindus: Well, our Lord Rama has been insulted and to us, that’s the biggest blasphemy possible. He is the Hindu religion’s highest power.
Muslims: Oh, ok. So does that mean it’s alright to mock Krishna?
Hindus: No, he’s up there with Rama too.
Muslims: So, mocking Vishnu is fine, right?
Hindus: Umm…not really. The three of them are like a team.
Muslims: Then Siva, Ganesha, Durga, Laksmi, Hanuman, Saraswathy, and the others are open to criticism?
Hindus: Look, you bearded wise-cracks, all our three billion, five thousand, six hundred and twenty seven gods and goddesses are important. Neither can you say anything about them nor can you even slightly imply that they are just figments of imagination that popped out of some guy who was really, really stoned.
Muslims: But seriously, how can anyone refrain from making a comment when they see thousands of people queuing to get blessings from the idol of an obese elephant sitting on a rat?
Hindus: In the same way you refrain from making comments on someone who gets so delusional walking through the desert that he claims to have talked to God; in the very same way you do not make comments on how this certain God’s messenger deemed it alright for old, paunchy guys to have sex with girls who were seven or eight years old; in the same manner you back out of criticizing this messenger’s claim that God wants every man to marry and impregnate more than a dozen women like they were tube socks.
Muslims: We have no idea who you’re talking about.
Hindus: Just what the hell are you doing stopping us anyway? The Ram Setu issue has got nothing to do with you. So why don’t you just buzz off? Isn’t it time for you fellas to go have your seventeenth prayer of the day?
Muslims: Well, we thought you’d never ask. You see, this bridge that you so conveniently designated Rama’s Bridge is in fact the creation of our Prophet Muhammad. He built it with his own hands so that he could go talk to God who was standing on the other end.
Hindus (mocking): Oh, that’s about the funniest thing we’ve heard in a long time. Your Prophet built this entire bridge all by himself? Ha, that’s rich! That’s so far removed from reality.
Muslims: Oh, yeah, how do you claim your Lord Rama built it?
Hindus: Lord Rama got the help of his army of talking monkeys to help him build the bridge.
Muslims (sarcastically): Why, what happened? The steroid guzzling hawk was on strike?
Hindus: Well, for your information, Lord Garuda was injured trying to stop Ravana’s flying chariot.
Muslims: Damn, who directed your religion? Michael Bay?
Hindus: Who designed your costumes? Stevie Wonder?
Muslims (angry): Do not mock our traditions, infidels!
Hindus: Hey, calm down. Why are you guys always so pissed off? Is it because all of you were circumcised when you were kids? We agree, that’s got to sting. In fact, there’s every chance that Osama would not have turned into a terrorist if he still had his foreskin. Messing with a man’s penis can really piss him off for life.
Muslims (offended): It helps us last longer!
Hindus: Then why didn’t you just slice the whole thing off? You could have kept going all night long.                                                                                                                                (Before the angry horde of Muslims can respond a large throng of Christians arrive. The Christians have condescending smiles on their faces as they shift their glances between the Muslims and the Hindus)

Christians: Praise the Lord! How are you Ramaholics and Muhammadophiles?

Hindus and Muslims (in unison): It’s Hindus and Muslims.
Christians: Sure, sure, Praise the Lord!
Muslims: Why don’t you take your cross-bearing asses back home and praise the lord? What the heck are you doing here?
Christians: We’re here to inform you barbarians that you are arguing over a moot point. The bridge in question isn’t Rama’s Bridge nor is it Allah’s Bridge or Muhammad’s Bridge. It’s in fact, Christ’s Bridge.
Hindus and Muslims (taken aback): Jesus Christ!
Christians: That’s right. The same guy. If you verify the facts you’ll see that Jesus was in fact a carpenter. And if anyone was skilled enough to build that bridge it was Jesus. Not Rama and the monkeys, not Muhammad and the camels.
Hindus: Carpenters don’t build bridges. Architects do.
Christians: Jesus graduated a part-time course in Architecture as well. The only thing you heathens need to know is that the issue is now ours. You guys can just pack up and go home. The matter of Christ’s Bridge will be dealt with by Christians.
Muslims: Who do you think you’re talking to? You think we’ll just buy into whatever you’re saying? You think we’re as gullible as your GOD TV audience? Your Jesus couldn’t even carry a cross for a few miles and you’re telling us that he built this entire bridge by himself. Let’s face the facts, maybe he spoke persuasively but he wasn’t cut out for physical work.
Hindus: Both of you should just leave when you can. This is a matter between the Hindus and the Government. They expect to get away with saying that Lord Rama didn’t build the bridge. What are they going to say next? That his skin was not actually blue? So, leave us alone, it’s a Hindu issue. Christians and Muslims should just scram the scene.
Muslims: You would love to play the victims, wouldn’t you? Well, guess what? It’s Muhammad’s Bridge and it’s our sentiments that are hurt. We are the ones against the demolition of that long pile of rocks.
Christians: If anyone’s a victim, it’s us. You Hindus and Muslims have been hogging the spotlight for years with all your communal riots and shit. This is our time. We are the victims. We deserve all the attention.
Hindus: No, we deserve all the attention.
Muslims: No, we do.
(Suddenly, a fourth group arrives. The group has a number of bald, half-naked monks with plastered smiles on all the faces)
Hindus, Muslims and Christians: And who the hell you are you baldies?
Baldies: We’re the Buddhists. We have come here to ask you to not resort to violence.
Hindus: You have no business here, monkeys…or monks or whatever you people are.
Buddhists: Buddha says nobody really has any business anywhere. Just love each other.
Muslims: Seriously, you fellows need to take it elsewhere. We’re having a serious discussion here.
Buddhists: Buddha says nothing in the world is really serious. Just love each other.
Christians: If you’ve come to claim the bridge you better wait in line, eggheads.
Buddhists: Buddha says that the bridge isn’t real. Nor are eggs real. Or heads. Let’s all just love each other.
(The Hindus, Muslims, and Christians look at each other, nod in agreement and simultaneously launch an all out attack on the Buddhists. The Buddhists are battered to pulp within a matter of minutes. The bloodlust of the other three groups simmer down. They sneer at the Buddhist carnage before them)
Hindus: They’re so gay.
Muslims: Total fudge-packers.
Christians: They put the homo in Homo sapiens. Praise the Lord!
(The three groups hold hands, walk away into the sunset, world peace and harmony ahead of them and a bloody pile of fucked up monks behind them)